a Lot like Love

Writings from August 2009:

You’ll never notice it at first, because it happens to you when you least expect it. It seems to happen a lot in the summertime after a rain shower. And then you will realize it after a while of walking about. At first it’s small. It’s just a little node that starts to swell and disperse. At first, you will touch it and scratch it. Maybe even use your saliva to get the aggravation to go away. Or force yourself not to touch it by putting lotion on it. Or sitting on your hands. Even when you go to bed, you will be tossing and turning in your bedsheets till the break of dawn. You just couldn’t stop thinking about it, knowing it’s there and you have no control over it. And when you wake up the next morning, it might not be as visibly arrogant as it was the day before, but lord and behold, it just comes back up out of nowhere to haunt you, triggered by god knows what material and reminder. And you try to forget about it, but you know you will eventually scratch it. And you will refuse to not pay it any attention whatsoever, that’s what you keep telling yourself. Mocking you, teasing you, playing on your temptation and desires. You will even start hitting it and smacking it, looking for ways of distraction to numb the itch away. Even for a moment of ice until it melts away. And then, you will examine it. And then you will slowly but surely scratch it. You scratch it. Lightly at first, nothing too crazy. And then this frenzy will come over you as you go harder. Violently now. The surface starts to redden and blush with delight. The epidermis now starting to peel lightly. Scratch marks start to show up. And then it rips apart at the base, and blood starts to show. Now is about the time you will start to feel pain. It will feel tingly at first when you’ve decided to give it up and stop scratching. Afterall, it has been three minutes of nonstop back and forth rough action on it. You will start to feel it’s burning and stinging. And learn again what it feels like to regret. Especially when you walk over to the sink to wipe it down with soap and water. It will still leave its mark and stay. And then all you can choose to do is to wait… to rinse it… and repeat.